In my previous column, in consideration of some practical actions and preparations a senior and their family can take to lessen the inevitable challenges before … during … and after … the death of a parent, we focused on the “before” aspects of how to be prepared. I suggested the following actions: 1) acknowledge the need and provide for care assistance BEFORE it becomes necessary for assisted living or skilled nursing care; 2) prepare a will (or the Five Wishes document); 3) open the channels of communication; and 4) address unresolved family conflicts.
Today, I want to address some important considerations when a parent is in the final stages of life, and how those last days can actually be sweet and memorable, even in the midst of sadness and pain.
Several years ago my father came to visit my wife and I following his second open-heart surgery. We knew his recovery had been very difficult, and that this visit might be our last time together. What we didn’t anticipate was that from the time he arrived we only had five days until his death. Although the first several days were filled with great fellowship and sharing, on the evening of the third day, after rushing him to the hospital, we were painfully aware that the end was near.
There was a reluctance to “let him go”, and yet, it was obvious that he was ready and at peace with his soon departure. At the time we were only thinking about OUR loss, instead of HIS gain. Fortunately, this became a teachable moment for our whole family … to realize that we need to listen to our loved ones, and respect their wishes … even in the last days and hours of life.
While our experience of spending time with a dying loved one was brief, there are many today that have that process prolonged … even for weeks and months. Fortunately, our society has established one of the most caring, loving, and compassionate vehicles for those in the final stages of life … hospice care (which includes palliative care), and there isn’t any finer organization than our own Hospice of Kitsap County. For almost 30 years, they have been providing the families of our community with the highest quality and compassionate care and dignity to those at the end of life’s journey, regardless of their ability to pay. Because of them, families can face these “end-of-life” challenges with confidence and the knowledge that their loved one is being provided outstanding care.
By the way … it should be noted that palliative care, sometimes called comfort care, which is designed to preserve the best quality of life by relieving pain, controlling symptoms, and supporting the patient’s continuing involvement with life, isn’t limited to those in the last stages of life, but is a significant element in the overall hospice program.
Earlier in this column I indicated that despite the obvious sadness and sense of loss at the death of a parent, those last days could actually be sweet and memorable. Let me explain.
Although the impending death of a parent is often filled with a wide range of emotions … from despair, regret, and heartache to happy memories and blessed assurance and peace, the answer to dealing with this experience in a positive and life-affirming manner can only be achieved in the “now” … not when the event occurs in the future.
What I mean by that statement is that TODAY (not tomorrow) is when we have to begin the process of preparing ourselves for a parent’s death. If we think we can leave unresolved conflicts and misunderstandings to the closing days of a parent’s life, then we’re not being realistic, and we’re only setting ourselves up for great disappointment and guilt.
All too often I see members of families that have been torn apart by unforgiveness and unresolved conflicts, struggling to cope with their quilt and bitterness after a parent has died. But it doesn’t have to be that way. If only there had been a willingness and resolve to heal the relationship, those final days could have been spent in freedom from the tyranny of a wounded spirit, and the parent set “free” to depart in peace.
If I can accomplish nothing else in this column today, I trust that I have touched a sensitive area in people’s lives that will result in positive actions to restore hurting family relationships between parents and their children. Nothing is more important and relevant to our health and well-being, than being free from the burden of unresolved conflict.
It’s never too late to make the “end-of-life” experience for a parent (and their children) “sweet and memorable”. But if the groundwork hasn’t already been laid, TODAY is the day to get started.
Carl R. Johnson
Certified Senior Advisor (CSA)®
Community Relations Director
Abiding HomeCare
Silverdale, WA
Tags: Bainbridge Island, bremerton, caregiver, caregivers, elderly care, in home care provider, port orchard, senior home care, silverdale
